Mental Entropy by Kris

Going home (or perhaps-coming home) can be a mixture of emotions that don't always behave properly.  Especially if, when you left three decades ago, believing you would only return to visit. At 19 I wanted to see the world.  And taste it, smell it, feel it and revel in the joy of being free of the odium of family. As the years flit past, time has softened the desperate need to escape and brought a longing to the heart. The path leads homeward.  The future as much in question as it was all those years ago. A return for healing.  The recapture the senses of that world I thought I would never miss. My mission this time is to reconnect with myself and that which I left.  To breathe the fresh air, bask in the blue skies, savor the seasons.  Reinvent myself perhaps.  A self with a vision and a purpose.  A self who no longer needs to hide in the shell of a pain filled body.  A self who is kind to all (self included). I'd like to nourish mind, ...

Typically when I travel, there are deadlines and commitments. People to see and places to be.  However, this week, I had the unique opportunity to travel the road less traveled. Before hitting the gravel road, I explored the unexpectedly white sands of Lake McConaughy, NE.  There was a stand of trees (not sure what kind) that had been killed by the water.  Created such a striking contrast. The next day, having no specific destination, I decided to take secondary roads and search for windmills to photograph.  I headed towards the Lake Cresent National Wildlife Refugee.  The map (an old fashioned one on paper) showed a road.  I was a little surprised when the paved road turned into a gravel road.  I think I drove for about two hours and didn't see another car.  The sky was so blue.  The air so fresh.  And lots of windmills. Although the distance wasn't very far, when one stops to take pictures, the journey takes longer. ...

After one reaches a certain age, we quit counting our age in terms of 13 1/2 or 5 and 3/4.  It seems easier to just note the number of decades we have been gracing the planet with our presence.  The once resilient, limber bodies that we had have now become a childhood favorite cereal motto - Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Even harder than coping with our personal aging woes, is the process of watching our parents age. Especially if the adult child has been away for a long time.  Intellectually we know that they age as we do. The earth spins around the sun adding another notch on the belt.  Visiting for a week here and there doesn't really give us the actual visceral knowledge of what it means to "get old". Having recently moved back in with my father has made this awareness a stark reality.  Although he is only 23 years older than I am, it seems a gaping chasm of time.  This lapse of time is much more difficult with a mother or father than a grandparent (they ...

Time has flown by since I had my "breakdown".   I did quit the job and have escaped the nest of pit vipers.  I don't think I've had time to miss it.  A week of packing, four and a half days of driving a 16 foot moving van trailering Barbie (the Malibu), a week of sort of unpacking, five days in Des Moines for Cassidy's rodeo and a roomie from the past and getting the house and yard ready for Matt's family. I've agreed with my healer (who channels my mother from the Other Side) to take 3-6 months for healing.  My focus has been reveling in the joy of not supervising people.  And trying not to feel useless as an unemployed, overweight and out of shape former ranch girl. Messages from so many people - "be gentle"; "do what makes you happy"; "don't be too rigid"; "be flexible"; "heal to store your energy for December"; "quit distracting yourself from learning who you are supposed to be by doing thi...

Observations from a Padded Cell.   (April 23, 2014-transferred from the Empress Star Blog) I should make a point of clarification.  These observations are not, in fact, coming from a padded cell.  They are merely written as part of my medical/mental treatment plan.   Since a mental and physical breakdown last week, I am taking two weeks off to be a part of a depression and anxiety group. And after that, I am asking for three additional weeks off.  After which, the plan is to submit my two weeks notice and return to South Dakota (with-ideally-a job offer from the State of South Dakota as an emergency management specialist....just putting that out to the universe.) Breakthrough moments today-         THE Chiropractor.  Amazingly brief and painful, but brought a certain level of blessed relief from my dislocated pelvis.  (Note to self-pay Brenda for the 1300 mile diagnosis). Two horrendous pops, a few grunt laden gr...